* Of forgiveness and acceptance *

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In the past I never really had a good time with my mama. Other than the typical scoldings and naggings, there were also quarrels. That was when I was much younger and could not differentiate right or wrong or rather truly understand how certain decisions made in certain circumstances could determine the future.

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All I knew was I hated her for the harsh decisions she made that caused the family to break up. As a young girl, all I could hope for was the perfect family with the father, mother, siblings and dog running across but the dream was shattered within a short span of few years.

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I turned that hatred into refusing to talk to her, locking myself in the room, crying myself to sleep, talking bad about her and staying in a depressed mood. I didn't like to go home after school neither did I really like to converse with her thinking that it might just end up in another quarrelling session. Although there were short periods where we did talk and go out together, still there was no full acceptance of who she is and her position in my heart. I lived a life blaming my mama all the time.

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Came the time after O-Levels to choose where we wanted to further our studies, she gave the advice of going to a polytechnic but I insisted on going JC with the hope that I would further to University and graduate with a degree. I ignored her advice and went on with my own decision.

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True to her expectations, I did not do well for my 1st year and was made to repeat another year. I guess she did expect me to give up halfway and switch to polytechnic but again I insisted on trying again. Along the way, she did blame me for not heeding her advice and for insisting my way in everything I do and yet again I ignored.

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This time round I was determined to do well and I promised myself I would study hard and yes! I did pass but not with flying colors as 1 might think that I should have mastered what I studied before. So I went on with a just-pass and came A-Level, I stressed myself to do really well. I did all the study-with-a-friend, must-ask-if-there's-anything-not-sure but still I ended up with a O-D-D.

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And yes, u guessed it, I was "blamed" for not following advice, I was ridiculed and humiliated in front of relatives, I was crying at my popo's house during chinese new year, all the "throw face" situations that you can imagine. I hated my mama even more. I could not get along well with her even more ever since these humiliation started. It was even more difficult to love her now.

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Later part, I began to come in touch with teachings and reminders of how I was first loved and forgiven and that I should be able to love and forgive someone else who has hurt me deeply. Afterall, Jesus came and died for our sins isn't it? Talking about fairness, how fair it is that Jesus had to die for ALL our sins?!

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I was prayed for and convicted to forgive my own mother because if I don't, who would? It was not easy whoever said it was. It took time but it came to pass. Forgiveness may not be forgetting what the person has done in our lives and the hurt that they brought us but it really is a decision that we can make.

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Looking back, I could now understand why my mama made those decisions that she made many many years back. I see it as her love in wanting to give her children a brighter future. Other than being able to accept her as who she is now, I began to love her even more although naggings and scoldings are still very much evident in the household. True forgiveness and acceptance means that I no longer bear grudges against her and avoid talking to her but can even go on a good holiday with her, just me and her.

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For the love that God has for us... Love others...

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Praise God. =)